Known by many, loved by few.

That’s a twist on a regular diagnosis of ADHD sufferers (something, thankfully, I don’t suffer from) the typical way of describing someone with ADHD is ““known by all but liked by none” which is actually quite cruel if you consider it for a moment.

I read that and considered my own interaction with friends. I’ve only known about my Aspergers for about a year now but as a child I didn’t make friends easily. If there was a pecking order for bullies then I was at the very bottom of the pile. I was bullied mercilessly by everyone including some of the female students.  I had a terrible speech defect (to some extent I still have it, although 47 years of practice means I hide it very well) and kids (being the cruel little monsters they are) picked up on it and all through primary and secondary school my nickname was “Stutter”

Not everyone was a monster or a bully though. There was one girl, Kaye – sigh – I honestly thought we’d marry back then. Ah the innocence of childhood eh! Of course, to marry it is USUALLY preferable for affection to work BOTH ways XD Not being very good at reading emotions I didn’t actually pick up on that. I always got the impression she “liked me” but probably much in the same way as a child likes a dumb dog or cute idiotic little hamster hehe.

Anyway, we grew up. One cannot prevent that no matter how one tries. Primary School gave way to High School, High School gave way to University, and University gave way to the endless trudge of working for a living.

For 47 years I’ve found making (and more importantly keeping) friends very difficult. I’m what can only be described as “odd” or “peculiar”. I’m prone to emotional outbursts and don’t like letting people into my internal “fortress of solitude”. I’m standoffish and shy, bordering on rude at times.

I don’t like social events, I don’t like lots of people milling around or chatting (see my previous post for a recent example) so naturally I don’t tend to socialise much.

The fact that I somehow met a woman who loved me enough to see past my hang-ups to actually marry me is amazing. But she’s a social butterfly. She dances, she goes to the WI (Woman’s Institute) , she has MANY MANY friend who she contacts and visits regularly. Me?  I have her.

Well, ok I DO have other friends. People from University I feel comfortable around. They were my best man and ushers at my wedding. I never contact them, never see them, occasionally I’ll post something on my Facebook page that mentions them but I know they’re there. They’re not expecting me to chat or call. (When I do occasionally telephone I’m always at a loss for things to say anyway XD)

Then there’s my circle of VF’s (Virtual Friends.. a term my wife coined for me) These are people I chat with on Twitter. They have names, they ALL have names, but we don’t use them. It’s all MightyMycroft this and Diceman3000 that or BizarroMan10 the other (Those names are made up btw) there’s a level of detachment about them. Doesn’t mean they’re not important to me. They are. But they’re not “REAL” in the tactile sense. I’ve never met any of them, I have no intention to ever meet any of them, I care about them and their problems. Even going as far as helping them out when problems strike, but they don’t REALLY know me. They know a VERSION of me. Edited and spell checked (mostly) , Puns carefully thought out and delivered with rapier sharp (but controlled, planned and restrained) intellect . They get the cardboard cut-out of me complete with sound bites and bad jokes. They get the image I project onto Twitter. It’s no more me that the image on a movie screen is the actual actor whose movie you’re watching. It’s two dimensional and ever so slightly fake.

I have my wife but am I lonely? Perhaps? Yes AND No. I know that’s a contradiction but I like my solitude. I like going to the movies by myself, I like going to Cosplay conventions on my own. But part of me aches for the connection. I see friends playing online together, or meeting up at games conventions and the likes. I want to be able to share in that warmth but I can’t I’m too isolated. It’s a barrier I can’t get over. I have my soul mate in my wife; I should be content with that.

Sadly part of me is still that 8 year old boy standing on the edge of the playground watching other kids have fun playing chase and wishing I could join in.

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