I’ve been away from my blog for quite some time now. I didn’t feel like posting due to a flare up of my recurrent depression. I’ve been signed off work for about a month (actually just returned to the office again this morning) and I wanted to put something down about my thoughts on the matter.
I had originally written a long piece on depression, about how it made me feel, about my thoughts (some very dark) but I didn’t post it. it was far too self indulgent, too maudlin and far too depressing. Instead I wanted to say something more positive in as much as how I was coping with the condition and getting myself ready for facing the big wide world again.
I’ve noticed when people know you have depression they tend to tip-toe around you like they’re walking on egg shells or broken glass. Colleagues steer clear of you and you’re left to your own devices. Depression is not something to be ashamed of. It’s not a communicable disease and you’re not going to catch it off me. It’s a chemical imbalance and I’m taking medication to help with that. I’m also in the fortunate position to have private healthcare so I’ve been availing myself of the mental health counselling options available and the CBT I’m getting is helping me cope. My wife has been super supportive but not molly-coddling. There were days when I just didn’t want to get out of bed and she would tell me it’s ok to lie in but I should really get up later and get out of the house, get some fresh air, do some fun stuff. And although I didn’t feel like it at the start I usually enjoyed my walks in the autumnal parks or taking a mid week afternoon trip to the cinema (top tip : it’s a lot quieter than the weekends XD) and it did my overall mood a lot of good.
Depression can hit anyone at anytime, it doesn’t care if you’re old or young, rich or poor, male or female, popular or a loner, famous or anonymous. Depression is a equal-opportunities affliction. And worse of all it can be invisible. Look at the sad case of Robin Williams the consummate clown who was always quick with a joke to make others laugh and yet, inside, a black cancerous depression devoured his will to live.
Being on the spectrum and speaking from my own perspective, I find it very hard to open up to people and admit how I’m feeling. I internalise everything and bottle it up until it erupts forth as a seething flow of toxic negativity. My CBT has been reminding me that due to my ASD I often feel at odds with the world, out of place and dysfunctional. I often feel confused and lost over things that most people take in their strides. I missed a showing of a movie at my local cinema by less than 5 minutes recently (and could have easily walked in as it was just advertisements and trailers pre main feature) and had a full on meltdown because things had gone ever so slightly wrong.
As I said above, I’m back to work today. Is it easy? No! Am I happy to be back to work? Both Yes and No! Am I coping? As well as I can !
The main thing I want all readers to take away from this. You may have suffered depression in the past, you may be suffering from it right now or some time in your future, you may never suffer from depression but chances are at some point either to you or someone close to you, depression will rear it’s ugly head. Remember this one thing. You’re not weak because you cannot cope no more than you’re weak because you caught a cold or broke a leg or sprained an ankle. You’re not broken, you’re not a failure nor a burden. You are that one unimaginably unique individual that cannot be replaced at ANY COST, you are special and, although times may seem dark and cold with no end in sight, you should push yourself to find some joy in life’s little pleasures. There is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get through this.
If you, or someone you love, is currently suffering from depression. Please seek advice and support immediately. See your GP or contact one of the many support groups available online. For my fellow UK readers here are a few resources you may find useful
Depression Alliance : Charity for sufferers of depression : http://www.depressionalliance.org/
Mind : Charity for all forms of mental health problems : http://www.mind.org.uk/
Samaritans : Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair : Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline) : http://www.samaritans.org.uk/
Without fear of rebuttal I can honestly say “I love each and every one of you.” You give me an ear to cry into and a lifeline to cling to. You’re all vitally important to me and hopefully you all realise that you’re all important to yourselves too. Don’t let the black dog of depression ruin your life, it may never leave you but you can diminish it’s hold over your life and the effect it has on your quality of life.